Monday, September 24, 2012

Hard to breathe

For the past few weeks it feels like someone is choking me and it gets hard to breathe. I don't know why it gets like that but there is always just so much pressure on the front of my throat. I figure its just from being sad and crying all the time. I never thought I could feel the amount of pain I have since you've been gone. I remember when you used to go to Nathan and Mandy's house over the summer for a few months and make money out there. Whenever you would leave you would have so much fun you would forget about us and we would try and text you and you would respond super late and with few word answers. I always missed having you around when you went out there because the house would be so quiet and lonely when you were gone but I was happy knowing you were always coming back home and at least we would hear from you every now and then. I wish that was the case and you were just gone for a few months. In 17 days it will be 3 months since you were taken from us. It kills me every day not being able to see you or hear your voice. Mom and dad were in Utah this weekend and yesterday I was alone at home and walking through the house and I just started crying. I hate the fact of knowing i'll never be able to walk into a room and see you in there. I still find myself thinking that one day i'll walk into your room or the bathroom and slowly look around the corner of the door and hope to find you in there, but I know I won't and am just hurting myself the more I think I can convince myself that you're coming back home. I want so badly for you to walk through the front door! The day you left you took the other half of my heart with you. I hate that as your big sister it's my job to protect you when i'm with you and I failed you. Every day I wish I could redo that day. I find myself every few days standing by the computer looking into your room asking myself if I could have seen you from there. But I know I couldn't have, where you were was just to far over from the door where I can't see in. I remember looking past into your room that day while I was walking by getting ready and remember seeing your door half way open and the light on but didn't think anything of it. I always feel bad that I didn't walk in there and just check on you or see what you were up to. I hope you aren't mad with me, who knows if you were hoping I would walk in early enough to stop or save you. But I didn't and those thoughts and regrets are forever in my mind. We've been doing really great spreading the word about the "Amanda Panda choose the right campaign", so many people saying how grateful they are for what were doing and wanting to help spread the word and help others. Mom and I have been doing so much with your campaign and it feels really good raising awareness and keeping your memory alive. I know I personally need this just as much as other people we're reached about suicide awareness. Ever since you've been gone I find myself going through moments where I would much rather be with you and see you again then live with the pain and guilt I do every moment of every day. I miss when I used to be sad you would know and come into my room and sit on my lap and just hug me let me know that it will be okay. I wish I could get one of your hugs now and tell me everything will be okay. I don't know how to live without you! My body has been going though so much weird stuff from all the stress and sadness of having you gone. Im trying so hard to better my life for myself and for you! I've actually started going back to church I've gone like 4 times so far it may just be for the first hour but its all about baby steps right? So far it's more then i've gone in one year alone. To be honest I always feel really good after wards, and I can see how happy it makes mom and dad when I go. I still can't remember any of my dreams and it drives me crazy because all I want is to dream of you or have you talk to me in them. I really just want to be able to see your face somewhere besides a picture. It kills me that I have to look at a picture to see your beautiful face or search for a video to hear your voice. I find myself getting upset because Im scared of forgetting what you sound or look like. I know that won't ever happen but it still scares me. I don't ever want to forget you. I'll do whatever it takes to keep your memory alive! I hope your at peace and happy where you are! Mom told me about her dream a few weeks ago that she finally saw you and you told her you were helping God by showing others how to cross over. It brought me some peace knowing you were okay and helping others. Keep up the amazing work and keep us strong through this difficult time. I love you baby girl and hope to see you in my dreams soon!<3

1 comment:

  1. My dear sweet girl... You should never blame yourself or feel guilty for what happened. Remember, that is how the adversary wants you to feel. Your heavenly father and Amanda would not want you to carry this burden. I know it's been hard for you. It's hard for everyone, but I know for you in particular because you spent so much of your time with Amanda and the circumstances of that day that you are struggling. Keep writing. Keep reaching out to those that love you. Keep being a good friend to Amanda's friends. Keep working on making yourself smile every day. And Keep your focus on living a worthy life so you can be reunited with your sister once more. I love you sweetheart. - Mom

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