Have you ever done something you wish you hadn't? And after you think why did I do that and wish there was a way to change it back. That's exactly how I feel right now. I tend to be a person that over reacts over the smallest things. I wish I wasn't that way because now I think I lost the one guy that means the most to me. All because I over reacted. I started my internship a month ago and since then I never got to see my boyfriend because we were both working full time but opposite schedules. So we went from seeing each other about 5 times a week to only 1-2 times a week and that was the hardest thing for me to adjust to. Being with someone for 3 1/2 years and being with each other all the time and then not being able to see them and barely even talk hit me hard. I thought that me starting my internship and finishing school would be great for our relationship and it turned out to be the complete opposite. I just hated when I would look forward to seeing or talking to him, and he wasn't there. He started just going out with his friends/coworkers all the time instead and I felt like I became last in his life and that hurt. I wish I hadn't pushed him away like I did because I don't want to love anyone else. He was the one for me from day one. He always knew how to brighten my day and make me smile so much my cheeks would cramp. He was the one I wanted to fall asleep to and wake up next to. He's where I feel safe and where I can escape all the pain the my life. The one person I feel like when I'm with him all my problems just disappear and I feel like I'm going to be okay. He's one of the most caring, generous, loving and supportive men I know, and I've always admired that about him. He has always taken care if his family and been there for his friends when they need someone and even been there for my family and most of all me. He's my real life superman and I wish I could have him back in my life. We have been through pretty much every obstacle life can throw at you together and have found a way to climb over each one. I guess when I start to feel like I'm losing what I have good in my life, my guard goes right up and I prepare myself to lose what I have. All my life people have come and gone. And most of all the ones I had always loved and cared about the most have always left my life. It's something I have become to used to. I just wish for once someone would stay in my life that meant the world to me. I'm tired of feeling alone. I wish life came with a rewind button so I could go back to Wednesday and not have over reacted and pushed the man I love away. All I ever wanted was to finally finish school and find a job so I could be able to put more into our relationship. I've never made a lot of money, so my bf really was the one that supported everything we did. I helped out as much as I could with things. But I always looked forward to the day I could be like no I got this or be able to pay for my half. He has brought so much fun into my life. He had taught me how to live again. He has always been the one person besides my family I knew I could depend on, and pretty much the only person I could talk to about anything at all. He has seen my at my prettiest and most of all my ugliest and excepted me for who I was inside and out. I always pictured myself marrying him one day and having kids with him. I wanted that so badly. If I could I would re-do this last month and start over and find a way to make it work. He is the man for me and I don't want to lose him for good. If I could have one wish it would be to have the one person that knows me best back into my life. I want that happily ever after with him. I just wish it wasn't too late. <3
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Ever since I can remember my mother has been my hero. It has always been the two of us since I was two years old, and just like any single mother she did everything she could to provide and be the best mom she could to take care of her child. When I was 4 I became best friends with another little girl that lived in the same apartment complex and supposedly we hooked our parents up and just like a fairy tale my best friend became my sister. By gaining a new sister, I also gained a new dad and most of all a man that treated my mom with love and respect. A few years later we had the most important addition to our family, our little sister Amanda who became the glue that held our family together.
Now I know everyone says they have a great mom and Im sure they do, but I must say I truly have one amazing mother. She is the type of woman that leads by example. I know I am the person I am today because of her. She is the most kind, loving, generous, and strongest woman I know. She is the kind of person that goes out of her way to help someone in need even if its a stranger on the street. She gives 110% at work, and because of that she is amazing at what she does and I hope to one day be great at my job that she is at hers. No matter how busy she was at work she always made sure to come to every single one of my water polo games and that meant the world to me because she was the one face I would look out for in the crowd, I loved knowing she was my biggest fan. My mom has always been there for me through thick and thin, she is the one person I know I can always count on to be there no matter what. Im not one to share my feelings but somehow my mom always knew when something was wrong and she would always write me a letter or make me a cd and somehow it would always be exactly how I was feeling. Sometimes I come home to find a bag of peanut m&ms or some sun chips on my bed because she knows there my favorite, just to cheer me up or let me know she was thinking of me. She has always done her best to give her family the best life possible.
After Mandy passed away ten months ago my mom took the role of being super woman. Making her life mission to help everyone she possible could and to share the message that you are loved beyond measure, that even if you are having a tough day that the best are still to come, to never give up on life, to love everyone and most of all to choose the right! Running the pledge wall has basically become her 2nd job. Every morning she post a new inspiring quote or picture on the wall. Every day she is messaging with people from all around sharing the Choose The Right Pledge and mailing out wristbands. She has taken all of Mandys friends in under her wing and they have become daughters to our parents and little sisters to my sister Breanna and I. She's always going out of her way to make sure those girls are happy and taken care of like they are her own. Every day I try to be more like my mother. One day I hope i'll be able to inspire others and brighten a room like she can. She truly is the strongest woman I know. I feel so lucky to have a role model, best friend, and most of all mother like her in my life. There will never be enough words be able to explain how much she means to me. She is my other half and I wouldn't be complete without her. Thank you for always being there for me and your family and being the greatest example anyone could ask for. There is no doubt that you truly are Wonder Woman. I love you to the moon and back forever and always! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOMMY <3
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Lately I've been so upset with you trying to figure out the one question I'll never get answered, "why"? How is it that one minute I'm giving you a hug in your towel and playing with the dogs and your asking me to take you to 711 to get a slurpee and in an hr I'm finding and holding your dead body? I hope one day I'm able to accept the fact that your gone but right now I still can't especially that your gone from your own will. How could you take your own life! How could you take away a daughter from mom and dad and a sister from Bre and I. How could you take away my best friend away. I've been so depressed lately with you gone. It kills me inside that its already been 6 months when it feels like just yesterday. Why did you have to take you life? Why couldn't you just come talk to me, or your friends, or go in the garage and hit the punching bag if you were angry or sad ? You could have done anything else even just waited a few hrs or a day, and would have realized that everything would have been fine. Instead you made a choice to never see or talk to your family or friends again or live life, love, make new memories. You just ended it. I wonder at times why did you chose to do it when I would find you? I would never wish that on anyone else having to find you the way you were, it haunts me every day. That image I have left in my memory of you of the way your face looked and your body finds a way to appear and give me flash backs whether I want them there or not. Doesn't matter if I'm driving, hanging out, or trying to sleep that image reappears. I honestly thought they could save you that day. Maybe inside I knew you were gone but I sure wished you weren't and that they could save you and bring you back. I'll never forget when one of the paramedics came out and told an officer they "needed a bag" meaning a body bag to put you in! I broke down in horrified tears asking them "aren't you going to take her to the hospital and help her", and I got the response that they did everything they could and their sorry but there isn't anything else they can do. I was alone and scared! How could you do that to me. Now I don't known what to be without you around. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you. I hope you know this isn't easy for me. Going through life everyday is a challenge. Some days I'm okay and others I just want to cry and then there are days I just want to throw in the ropes and give up. You knew me, you knew how quiet and shy I am. How hard it has always been to let people into my life and then go and took away the most important person in my life and that was you! You'll never understand how much you were my other half. I try so hard to put on a brave face and smile when inside I'm hurting. You don't know how much you've changed me inside by you leaving. I've closed up so much more scared to let anyone in because I'm scared that every one will always just leave me. It's hard and lonely being the only other one at home besides our parents. Feels like I have to be perfect now in every way. Especially with mom. It's been getting frustrating at times. I feel like I can't do anything that will upset her. But honesty sometimes I want to be able to go out and have fun and live MY life without someone telling me what I can and can't do. Or someone judging me. But damn I'm going through a really hard time and if I want to have a beer or a glass of wine why can't I? There are plenty of people that would have turned to getting drunk all the time after having to go through what I went through. But I haven't. But whenever she thinks I have, I get a mean look of judgment how she doesn't approve. I'm almost 24 and I still care about pleasing my parents and making sure they're happiness and approval comes before me ever living and enjoying life. It's not like I want to go out and party all crazy but every now and then I would like to enjoy myself and have fun. I mean I go to school and get A's and if I'm not at school I'm at home or Frankie's house. And we honestly don't ever go out but if we do I'm tired of holding back from having fun because of my parents. It's frustrating that Bre can go out and drink and even do it in front of them but if it was me its completely different. But for now on if I'm supposed to live my life then I want to start living it to the fullest and for me, myself, and I! Im tired of having to live my life according to how someone else expects me to live. Because of you Mandy you have changed my life completely, but I need to start living. Because if I don't I'm afraid you'll end up seeing me sooner then later. I really don't want to leave yet I know I have a lot in me I haven't shown the world yet. I need to if I ever want to be truly happy. I love you to the moon and back and miss you terribly. Goodnight baby girl! <3
Monday, September 24, 2012
For the past few weeks it feels like someone is choking me and it gets hard to breathe. I don't know why it gets like that but there is always just so much pressure on the front of my throat. I figure its just from being sad and crying all the time. I never thought I could feel the amount of pain I have since you've been gone. I remember when you used to go to Nathan and Mandy's house over the summer for a few months and make money out there. Whenever you would leave you would have so much fun you would forget about us and we would try and text you and you would respond super late and with few word answers. I always missed having you around when you went out there because the house would be so quiet and lonely when you were gone but I was happy knowing you were always coming back home and at least we would hear from you every now and then. I wish that was the case and you were just gone for a few months. In 17 days it will be 3 months since you were taken from us. It kills me every day not being able to see you or hear your voice. Mom and dad were in Utah this weekend and yesterday I was alone at home and walking through the house and I just started crying. I hate the fact of knowing i'll never be able to walk into a room and see you in there. I still find myself thinking that one day i'll walk into your room or the bathroom and slowly look around the corner of the door and hope to find you in there, but I know I won't and am just hurting myself the more I think I can convince myself that you're coming back home. I want so badly for you to walk through the front door! The day you left you took the other half of my heart with you. I hate that as your big sister it's my job to protect you when i'm with you and I failed you. Every day I wish I could redo that day. I find myself every few days standing by the computer looking into your room asking myself if I could have seen you from there. But I know I couldn't have, where you were was just to far over from the door where I can't see in. I remember looking past into your room that day while I was walking by getting ready and remember seeing your door half way open and the light on but didn't think anything of it. I always feel bad that I didn't walk in there and just check on you or see what you were up to. I hope you aren't mad with me, who knows if you were hoping I would walk in early enough to stop or save you. But I didn't and those thoughts and regrets are forever in my mind. We've been doing really great spreading the word about the "Amanda Panda choose the right campaign", so many people saying how grateful they are for what were doing and wanting to help spread the word and help others. Mom and I have been doing so much with your campaign and it feels really good raising awareness and keeping your memory alive. I know I personally need this just as much as other people we're reached about suicide awareness. Ever since you've been gone I find myself going through moments where I would much rather be with you and see you again then live with the pain and guilt I do every moment of every day. I miss when I used to be sad you would know and come into my room and sit on my lap and just hug me let me know that it will be okay. I wish I could get one of your hugs now and tell me everything will be okay. I don't know how to live without you! My body has been going though so much weird stuff from all the stress and sadness of having you gone. Im trying so hard to better my life for myself and for you! I've actually started going back to church I've gone like 4 times so far it may just be for the first hour but its all about baby steps right? So far it's more then i've gone in one year alone. To be honest I always feel really good after wards, and I can see how happy it makes mom and dad when I go. I still can't remember any of my dreams and it drives me crazy because all I want is to dream of you or have you talk to me in them. I really just want to be able to see your face somewhere besides a picture. It kills me that I have to look at a picture to see your beautiful face or search for a video to hear your voice. I find myself getting upset because Im scared of forgetting what you sound or look like. I know that won't ever happen but it still scares me. I don't ever want to forget you. I'll do whatever it takes to keep your memory alive! I hope your at peace and happy where you are! Mom told me about her dream a few weeks ago that she finally saw you and you told her you were helping God by showing others how to cross over. It brought me some peace knowing you were okay and helping others. Keep up the amazing work and keep us strong through this difficult time. I love you baby girl and hope to see you in my dreams soon!<3
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Every day you cross my mind from the moment I wake up till I close my eyes at night.There are always memories of things we used to do together or what I would do for you. I miss you ever second of every day! You have no idea how much my heart aches for you Mandy. I miss my little sister! My heart has been crushed into a thousand little pieces, I feel so lost and empty with you gone. There isn't one thing I wouldn't do or give to have you back or even just have one last moment with you, I wish I could just hug you one last time!
- I miss the sound of your voice! I try finding videos of you talking just so I can hear you. It kills me because I feel like i'm going to forget what you sound like!
- I actually miss fighting over clothes and mom yelling at us to just share and stop complaining.
- I miss your amazing sense of style. I always admired the way you dressed and wished I was able to pull off half the stuff you wore.
- I miss the way you stomped around the house, you would sound like you were a 300 pound guy. I swear I can still hear your loud footsteps sometimes.
- I miss my shopping buddy! Buying things now just doesn't seem right anymore. There has been times I went to shop thinking it would make me feel happier like it used to and I ended up putting everything back that I had in my cart and left and just cried.
- I miss going places with you, we went everywhere together from shopping, getting food, taking you places,picking up your friends everywhere! Its hard driving in my car now, I always look over to the passenger seat and picture you sitting there singing and being the DJ and having all our talks. I still have those mini pics on my visors in my car we took years ago at that chinese photo booth place its like having a piece of you with me when I drive.
- I miss getting that 3:00 text saying "hi" (meaning can you come get me from school?) I picked you up every day and would take your friends home as well. Ive still take your friends home from school if they text me and ask for a ride.
- I miss helping you curl/straighten your hair and do your makeup
- I miss how we used to try and race and beat each other to the big bathroom so we could shower first.
- I miss doing the butt bible with you and going on our walks on the trial or down foothill. Whenever we would go on walks we would talk and laugh so hard. I used to try and get you to walk far with me and the times we would walk far you would end up calling mom to come pick us up so we didn't have to walk back or we would go to McDonalds and get an ice cream. haha
- I miss cuddling with you on the couch or in our rooms while watching tv.
- I miss when we would wrestle and mom would yell at us and tell us to stop and we would just respond and be like this is how we show we love each other! Mom used to get so mad when we used to bite each other or leave hickeys on each others arms haha.
- I miss how you were pretty much the only person I would be my complete self with and act dorky and not care.
- I miss your funny voices and crazy faces. You used to always make faces when we were at a restaurant or driving around to random people or do it to our boyfriends when they weren't looking and stop once they would pay attention acting like you weren't doing anything.
- I miss making you lunches for school. You always asked me to make you sandwiches for school or when you were just hungry at home, you always said you like mine the best(:
- I miss giving you your daily hugs even when you didn't want them I wouldn't let you escape.
- I miss the way we would say I love you to each other. We had our secret way of saying it. We would tell each other " your ugly" & "your uglier" meaning I love you ,and I love you more!<3
Monday, August 6, 2012
Ever since your passing my heart, soul, and emotions have been all over the place. I normally am only okay and sane when I am around people. Although the moment I am alone which has probably only been maybe 4 times for a few hrs at the most I fall apart. I guess its easier for me to stay strong and fight the feelings while I'm surrounded with family or with Frankie and so I suppose that the moment I'm alone my wall is able to come down for the time being and all of my emotions come running out and I just cry for hrs. Saturday was not good for me at all...mom and dad went out and ran some errands I think so of coarse I cried but then I was able to gather myself together. I didn't feel like doing anything like always so I was just laying down in bed watching tv, mom came home and brought taco bell and basically made me eat a burrito. Then she came back in the room and handed me a new Macy's credit card and told me I should go shopping. Now normally I would be jumping with joy if she told me "here is money so you can go shopping", but this time it just made me super depressed. All I could think about when she left my room was how I would normally go and ask if you would want to go shopping. You and I were always shopping buddies. I honestly feel like I can not go shopping anymore without you as my shopping buddy! It brought forward so many emotions I sat in bed and cried which felt like forever! Seems like everything I ever do or look at has memories of you all over it. (I honestly looked at a chicken leg today and it made me sad thinking those were the only ones you would ever eat and would steal them all so no one else would eat them haha!) but I was crying like a little baby. Ever since you left us I've been getting anxiety and panic attacks I'll cry so hard I just cant breathe. I've been pretty good at controlling my thoughts when I cry but that day all I could think about was how badly I missed you and didn't want to live without my sister/best friend anymore!! All I thought was how I would rather be there with you instead of having all of this heart ache inside of me. After a while I went out to the living room and climbed on top of mom and just had tears running down my face. I told her how I didn't want to live without you, she told me not to say that, that its not okay to think like that. Our whole family is dealing with the loss of you and we all deal with it differently. She then asked if I've prayed at all and I was honest and said no that inside I feel angry with god for taking you from us. She then told me that I need to start praying and not to be angry at god he didn't want this. That it was Satan, he fed off or your weakness and if I'm angry at anyone be angry at him. She also said that her and dad have been praying a lot and that is why they feel peace and comfort. I honestly wish I could feel at peace and know you were happy and not hurting at all. I feel so empty, loss and numb inside. I fight everyday trying my best to stay strong and not give up. Sunday I went to church and just my luck it was testimony meeting and listening to others go up and bare their testimony's really touched me and made me think. I have only given mine once and that was when I was probably like 12. I always knew I had one, I knew in my heart the church was true but as I got older and in this world we live in today it makes it really hard especially on anyone my age to follow the rules. As i've gotten older I had stopped going to church, stopped praying and reading my scriptures and wasn't following the rules we're supposed to live by. So obviously my testimony has weakened and I barely even have one anymore. But now whether you like it or not Mandy you have become a missionary in your own way. So far since you've left us you have effected so many lives and people have been wanting to change and better their lives for you and themselves. You have even made me think twice about things I used to do and way I lived my life. I know that if I want to feel closer to you and see you once again after this life I will need to change up the way I live. I know it wont be easy and I don't need to do it all at once, just one step at a time. But I do promise you that within time whether it be in a few months or even a year from now who knows, but I will become a better person for you. I'll do whatever it takes to get closer to you and get to see you in the afterlife. Please just promise me you'll always be by my side and give me the strength to stay strong and keep living for the both of us. Help me find the want to live life again and believe in myself and be able to get back to school and get a better job. I cant do this on my own you were always there pushing me along to do better and live a better life so you cant leave me now. I need you more then ever Mandy!!! Keep watching over us and especially me while i'm staying at papas ill need your presence around so I don't go insane haha! You were supposed to be out here with me! I really hope your at peace and are looking down over us all. Sweet dreams beautiful! I love you Manda Panda <3 xoxoxoxo