Saturday, May 18, 2013

To my superman <3

Have you ever done something you wish you hadn't? And after you think why did I do that and wish there was a way to change it back. That's exactly how I feel right now. I tend to be a person that over reacts over the smallest things. I wish I wasn't that way because now I think I lost the one guy that means the most to me. All because I over reacted. I started my internship a month ago and since then I never got to see my boyfriend because we were both working full time but opposite schedules. So we went from seeing each other about 5 times a week to only 1-2 times a week and that was the hardest thing for me to adjust to. Being with someone for 3 1/2 years and being with each other all the time and then not being able to see them and barely even talk hit me hard. I thought that me starting my internship and finishing school would be great for our relationship and it turned out to be the complete opposite. I just hated when I would look forward to seeing or talking to him, and he wasn't there. He started just going out with his friends/coworkers all the time instead and I felt like I became last in his life and that hurt. I wish I hadn't pushed him away like I did because I don't want to love anyone else. He was the one for me from day one. He always knew how to brighten my day and make me smile so much my cheeks would cramp. He was the one I wanted to fall asleep to and wake up next to. He's where I feel safe and where I can escape all the pain the my life. The one person I feel like when I'm with him all my problems just disappear and I feel like I'm going to be okay. He's one of the most caring, generous, loving and supportive men I know, and I've always admired that about him. He has always taken care if his family and been there for his friends when they need someone and even been there for my family and most of all me. He's my real life superman and I wish I could have him back in my life. We have been through pretty much every obstacle life can throw at you together and have found a way to climb over each one. I guess when I start to feel like I'm losing what I have good in my life, my guard goes right up and I prepare myself to lose what I have. All my life people have come and gone. And most of all the ones I had always loved and cared about the most have always left my life. It's something I have become to used to. I just wish for once someone would stay in my life that meant the world to me. I'm tired of feeling alone. I wish life came with a rewind button so I could go back to Wednesday and not have over reacted and pushed the man I love away. All I ever wanted was to finally finish school and find a job so I could be able to put more into our relationship. I've never made a lot of money, so my bf really was the one that supported everything we did. I helped out as much as I could with things. But I always looked forward to the day I could be like no I got this or be able to pay for my half. He has brought so much fun into my life. He had taught me how to live again. He has always been the one person besides my family I knew I could depend on, and pretty much the only person I could talk to about anything at all. He has seen my at my prettiest and most of all my ugliest and excepted me for who I was inside and out. I always pictured myself marrying him one day and having kids with him. I wanted that so badly. If I could I would re-do this last month and start over and find a way to make it work. He is the man for me and I don't want to lose him for good. If I could have one wish it would be to have the one person that knows me best back into my life. I want that happily ever after with him. I just wish it wasn't too late. <3

Sunday, May 12, 2013

To my Super Woman<3

Ever since I can remember my mother has been my hero. It has always been the two of us since I was two years old, and just like any single mother she did everything she could to provide and be the best mom she could to take care of her child. When I was 4 I became best friends with another little girl that lived in the same apartment complex and supposedly we hooked our parents up and just like a fairy tale my best friend became my sister. By gaining a new sister, I also gained a new dad and most of all a man that treated my mom with love and respect. A few years later we had the most important addition to our family, our little sister Amanda who became the glue that held our family together.
Now I know everyone says they have a great mom and Im sure they do, but I must say I truly have one amazing mother. She is the type of woman that leads by example. I know I am the person I am today because of her. She is the most kind, loving, generous, and strongest woman I know. She is the kind of person that goes out of her way to help someone in need even if its a stranger on the street. She gives 110% at work, and because of that she is amazing at what she does and I hope to one day be great at my job that she is at hers. No matter how busy she was at work she always made sure to come to every single one of my water polo games and that meant the world to me because she was the one face I would look out for in the crowd, I loved knowing she was my biggest fan. My mom has always been there for me through thick and thin, she is the one person I know I can always count on to be there no matter what. Im not one to share my feelings but somehow my mom always knew when something was wrong and she would always write me a letter or make me a cd and somehow it would always be exactly how I was feeling. Sometimes I come home to find a bag of peanut m&ms or some sun chips on my bed because she knows there my favorite, just to cheer me up or let me know she was thinking of me. She has always done her best to give her family the best life possible.  
After Mandy passed away ten months ago my mom took the role of being super woman. Making her life mission to help everyone she possible could and to share the message that you are loved beyond measure, that even if you are having a tough day that the best are still to come, to never give up on life, to love everyone and most of all to choose the right! Running the pledge wall has basically become her 2nd job. Every morning she post a new inspiring quote or picture on the wall. Every day she is messaging with people from all around sharing the Choose The Right Pledge and mailing out wristbands. She has taken all of Mandys friends in under her wing and they have become daughters to our parents and little sisters to my sister Breanna and I. She's always going out of her way to make sure those girls are happy and taken care of like they are her own. Every day I try to be more like my mother. One day I hope i'll be able to inspire others and brighten a room like she can. She truly is the strongest woman I know. I feel so lucky to have a role model, best friend, and most of all mother like her in my life. There will never be enough words be able to explain how much she means to me. She is my other half and I wouldn't be complete without her. Thank you for always being there for me and your family and being the greatest example anyone could ask for. There is no doubt that you truly are Wonder Woman. I love you to the moon and back forever and always! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOMMY <3


Monday, March 4, 2013

I Miss You

I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you... around

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that?

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything



                         

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I'll never understand why...! :(

Lately I've been so upset with you trying to figure out the one question I'll never get answered, "why"? How is it that one minute I'm giving you a hug in your towel and playing with the dogs and your asking me to take you to 711 to get a slurpee and in an hr I'm finding and holding your dead body? I hope one day I'm able to accept the fact that your gone but right now I still can't especially that your gone from your own will. How could you take your own life! How could you take away a daughter from mom and dad and a sister from Bre and I. How could you take away my best friend away. I've been so depressed lately with you gone. It kills me inside that its already been 6 months when it feels like just yesterday. Why did you have to take you life? Why couldn't you just come talk to me, or your friends, or go in the garage and hit the punching bag if you were angry or sad ? You could have done anything else even just waited a few hrs or a day, and would have realized that everything would have been fine. Instead you made a choice to never see or talk to your family or friends again or live life, love, make new memories. You just ended it. I wonder at times why did you chose to do it when I would find you? I would never wish that on anyone else having to find you the way you were, it haunts me every day. That image I have left in my memory of you of the way your face looked and your body finds a way to appear and give me flash backs whether I want them there or not. Doesn't matter if I'm driving, hanging out, or trying to sleep that image reappears. I honestly thought they could save you that day. Maybe inside I knew you were gone but I sure wished you weren't and that they could save you and bring you back. I'll never forget when one of the paramedics came out and told an officer they "needed a bag" meaning a body bag to put you in! I broke down in horrified tears asking them "aren't you going to take her to the hospital and help her", and I got the response that they did everything they could and their sorry but there isn't anything else they can do. I was alone and scared! How could you do that to me. Now I don't known what to be without you around. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you. I hope you know this isn't easy for me. Going through life everyday is a challenge. Some days I'm okay and others I just want to cry and then there are days I just want to throw in the ropes and give up. You knew me, you knew how quiet and shy I am. How hard it has always been to let people into my life and then go and took away the most important person in my life and that was you! You'll never understand how much you were my other half. I try so hard to put on a brave face and smile when inside I'm hurting. You don't know how much you've changed me inside by you leaving. I've closed up so much more scared to let anyone in because I'm scared that every one will always just leave me. It's hard and lonely being the only other one at home besides our parents. Feels like I have to be perfect now in every way. Especially with mom. It's been getting frustrating at times. I feel like I can't do anything that will upset her. But honesty sometimes I want to be able to go out and have fun and live MY life without someone telling me what I can and can't do. Or someone judging me. But damn I'm going through a really hard time and if I want to have a beer or a glass of wine why can't I? There are plenty of people that would have turned to getting drunk all the time after having to go through what I went through. But I haven't. But whenever she thinks I have, I get a mean look of judgment how she doesn't approve. I'm almost 24 and I still care about pleasing my parents and making sure they're happiness and approval comes before me ever living and enjoying life. It's not like I want to go out and party all crazy but every now and then I would like to enjoy myself and have fun. I mean I go to school and get A's and if I'm not at school I'm at home or Frankie's house. And we honestly don't ever go out but if we do I'm tired of holding back from having fun because of my parents. It's frustrating that Bre can go out and drink and even do it in front of them but if it was me its completely different. But for now on if I'm supposed to live my life then I want to start living it to the fullest and for me, myself, and I! Im tired of having to live my life according to how someone else expects me to live. Because of you Mandy you have changed my life completely, but I need to start living. Because if I don't I'm afraid you'll end up seeing me sooner then later. I really don't want to leave yet I know I have a lot in me I haven't shown the world yet. I need to if I ever want to be truly happy. I love you to the moon and back and miss you terribly. Goodnight baby girl! <3