"Call me maybe?" Was playing on the radio while I was driving earlier. That song makes me happy because that was your song to me, you would sing and dance in the car to cheer me up and make me smile! I can't stand being in my car anymore. There are to many memories we had together in there. Everytime I get in my car I look over at the passenger seat where you always sat and I break down in tears. We went everywhere together! I don't even like the thought of going shopping anymore because that's what you and I did together. You were my personal stylist, you would always help me find clothes. Sometimes if you gave me something to try on and I didn't love it that much I would still buy it because I knew you secretly wanted it. You always had the best style and could make anything look amazing on you! To be honest I always wished I was more like you. You had amazing style and confidence that you could pull anything off, there would be stuff I would want but didnt know if I could pull it off so I wouldnt get it. I'm going to miss my shopping partner! I'm especially going to miss getting that text everyday at 3pm saying "hey" that would be your way of asking me if I could come pick you up from school lol. I picked you and your friends up everyday from school just so you didn't have to walk home in the heat. As much as I needed more work I never truly wanted to work around the time you got out of school because I felt that was my job to get you everyday and I would feel horrible if I couldn't get you if I was busy! Whenever I'm in my car memories just flash by. You were my dj we would talk, laugh, listen to our favorite songs we knew we weren't allowed to play at home when mom and dad were home because they would be inappropriate and dirty lol. Our song was "Gangsters and Strippers" we got all your friends to like that song because we would always play it in my car whenever I would take you and your friends anywhere. Mom and dad decided to listen to that song because they saw everyone writing about how that song makes them think of you and well they weren't to happy with that song cause its so dirty haha but I don't care that was our song! You dont understand how much I miss you. I was looking at pictures of you this morning, and I hate the fact that I have to look at pictures of you to see your beautiful face now! You were so photogenic and in love with the camera I'm happy you were because now we have tons of pictures of you to look at! The past few days haven't been to easy for me I've been feeling pretty sad inside. Seems like all I've been trying to do lately is keep a smile on my face even if I know deep down inside it isn't real and inside I'm falling apart! I've been learning how to fake it so everyone can try to stop worrying about me! The more everyone acts like I'm going to do something stupid or hurt myself makes me start to believe inside I might actually do something dumb!! I hate having people worry about me so much, but I would probably worry about me to, seeing what I saw isn't easy to handle. I took your friends Brandon and Ashton out the other day and on the way home I started having crazy anxiety I kept getting flashbacks of when I found you, I just kept seeing your face and had to hold back the tears I didn't want them to see me cry. I'm doing the best I can to be strong I have my good and bad moments... I don't even feel right seeing friends or smiling laughing, I feel so guilty about it like I should just be home sad and as much I would like to do that all day long I know i need to try and at least take babyteps and learn it's okay to be happy! You will always be in my heart and thoughts no matter what. I'll love you forever and always manda panda!♡♡♡
No comments:
Post a Comment