Monday, August 6, 2012

One step at a time

Ever since your passing my heart, soul, and emotions have been all over the place. I normally am only okay and sane when I am around people. Although the moment I am alone which has probably only been maybe 4 times for a few hrs at the most I fall apart. I guess its easier for me to stay strong and fight the feelings while I'm surrounded with family or with Frankie and so I suppose that the moment I'm alone my wall is able to come down for the time being and all of my emotions come running out and I just cry for hrs. Saturday was not good for me at all...mom and dad went out and ran some errands I think so of coarse I cried but then I was able to gather myself together. I didn't feel like doing anything like always so I was just laying down in bed watching tv, mom came home and brought taco bell and basically made me eat a burrito. Then she came back in the room and handed me a new Macy's credit card and told me I should go shopping. Now normally I would be jumping with joy if she told me "here is money so you can go shopping", but this time it just made me super depressed. All I could think about when she left my room was how I would normally go and ask if you would want to go shopping. You and I were always shopping buddies. I honestly feel like I can not go shopping anymore without you as my shopping buddy! It brought forward so many emotions I sat in bed and cried which felt like forever! Seems like everything I ever do or look at has memories of you all over it. (I honestly looked at a chicken leg today and it made me sad thinking those were the only ones you would ever eat and would steal them all so no one else would eat them haha!) but I was crying like a little baby. Ever since you left us I've been getting anxiety and panic attacks I'll cry so hard I just cant breathe. I've been pretty good at controlling my thoughts when I cry but that day all I could think about was how badly I missed you and didn't want to live without my sister/best friend anymore!! All I thought was how I would rather be there with you instead of having all of this heart ache inside of me. After a while I went out to the living room and climbed on top of mom and just had tears running down my face. I told her how I didn't want to live without you, she told me not to say that, that its not okay to think like that. Our whole family is dealing with the loss of you and we all deal with it differently. She then asked if I've prayed at all and I was honest and said no that inside I feel angry with god for taking you from us. She then told me that I need to start praying and not to be angry at god he didn't want this. That it was Satan, he fed off or your weakness and if I'm angry at anyone be angry at him. She also said that her and dad have been praying a lot and that is why they feel peace and comfort. I honestly wish I could feel at peace and know you were happy and not hurting at all. I feel so empty, loss and numb inside. I fight everyday trying my best to stay strong and not give up. Sunday I went to church and just my luck it was testimony meeting and listening to others go up and bare their testimony's really touched me and made me think. I have only given mine once and that was when I was probably like 12. I always knew I had one, I knew in my heart the church was true but as I got older and in this world we live in today it makes it really hard especially on anyone my age to follow the rules. As i've gotten older I had stopped going to church, stopped praying and reading my scriptures and wasn't following the rules we're supposed to live by. So obviously my testimony has weakened and I barely even have one anymore. But now whether you like it or not Mandy you have become a missionary in your own way. So far since you've left us you have effected so many lives and people have been wanting to change and better their lives for you and themselves. You have even made me think twice about things I used to do and way I lived my life. I know that if I want to feel closer to you and see you once again after this life I will need to change up the way I live. I know it wont be easy and I don't need to do it all at once, just one step at a time. But I do promise you that within time whether it be in a few months or even a year from now who knows, but I will become a better person for you. I'll do whatever it takes to get closer to you and get to see you in the afterlife. Please just promise me you'll always be by my side and give me the strength to stay strong and keep living for the both of us. Help me find the want to live life again and believe in myself and be able to get back to school and get a better job. I cant do this on my own you were always there pushing me along to do better and live a better life so you cant leave me now. I need you more then ever Mandy!!! Keep watching over us and especially me while i'm staying at papas ill need your presence around so I don't go insane haha! You were supposed to be out here with me! I really hope your at peace and are looking down over us all. Sweet dreams beautiful! I love you Manda Panda <3 xoxoxoxo

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you've started blogging sweetie. Mandy will always be with you, encouraging you to live wisely and always Choose the Right. I fills my heart with joy to hear your desires to change your life for the better. We'll be there to support you and your sister all along the way.

    Love you baby, momma panda's mamma

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