I'll never understand why...! :(

Lately I've been so upset with you trying to figure out the one question I'll never get answered, "why"? How is it that one minute I'm giving you a hug in your towel and playing with the dogs and your asking me to take you to 711 to get a slurpee and in an hr I'm finding and holding your dead body? I hope one day I'm able to accept the fact that your gone but right now I still can't especially that your gone from your own will. How could you take your own life! How could you take away a daughter from mom and dad and a sister from Bre and I. How could you take away my best friend away. I've been so depressed lately with you gone. It kills me inside that its already been 6 months when it feels like just yesterday. Why did you have to take you life? Why couldn't you just come talk to me, or your friends, or go in the garage and hit the punching bag if you were angry or sad ? You could have done anything else even just waited a few hrs or a day, and would have realized that everything would have been fine. Instead you made a choice to never see or talk to your family or friends again or live life, love, make new memories. You just ended it. I wonder at times why did you chose to do it when I would find you? I would never wish that on anyone else having to find you the way you were, it haunts me every day. That image I have left in my memory of you of the way your face looked and your body finds a way to appear and give me flash backs whether I want them there or not. Doesn't matter if I'm driving, hanging out, or trying to sleep that image reappears. I honestly thought they could save you that day. Maybe inside I knew you were gone but I sure wished you weren't and that they could save you and bring you back. I'll never forget when one of the paramedics came out and told an officer they "needed a bag" meaning a body bag to put you in! I broke down in horrified tears asking them "aren't you going to take her to the hospital and help her", and I got the response that they did everything they could and their sorry but there isn't anything else they can do. I was alone and scared! How could you do that to me. Now I don't known what to be without you around. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you. I hope you know this isn't easy for me. Going through life everyday is a challenge. Some days I'm okay and others I just want to cry and then there are days I just want to throw in the ropes and give up. You knew me, you knew how quiet and shy I am. How hard it has always been to let people into my life and then go and took away the most important person in my life and that was you! You'll never understand how much you were my other half. I try so hard to put on a brave face and smile when inside I'm hurting. You don't know how much you've changed me inside by you leaving. I've closed up so much more scared to let anyone in because I'm scared that every one will always just leave me. It's hard and lonely being the only other one at home besides our parents. Feels like I have to be perfect now in every way. Especially with mom. It's been getting frustrating at times. I feel like I can't do anything that will upset her. But honesty sometimes I want to be able to go out and have fun and live MY life without someone telling me what I can and can't do. Or someone judging me. But damn I'm going through a really hard time and if I want to have a beer or a glass of wine why can't I? There are plenty of people that would have turned to getting drunk all the time after having to go through what I went through. But I haven't. But whenever she thinks I have, I get a mean look of judgment how she doesn't approve. I'm almost 24 and I still care about pleasing my parents and making sure they're happiness and approval comes before me ever living and enjoying life. It's not like I want to go out and party all crazy but every now and then I would like to enjoy myself and have fun. I mean I go to school and get A's and if I'm not at school I'm at home or Frankie's house. And we honestly don't ever go out but if we do I'm tired of holding back from having fun because of my parents. It's frustrating that Bre can go out and drink and even do it in front of them but if it was me its completely different. But for now on if I'm supposed to live my life then I want to start living it to the fullest and for me, myself, and I! Im tired of having to live my life according to how someone else expects me to live. Because of you Mandy you have changed my life completely, but I need to start living. Because if I don't I'm afraid you'll end up seeing me sooner then later. I really don't want to leave yet I know I have a lot in me I haven't shown the world yet. I need to if I ever want to be truly happy. I love you to the moon and back and miss you terribly. Goodnight baby girl! <3