Hard to breathe

For the past few weeks it feels like someone is choking me and it gets hard to breathe. I don't know why it gets like that but there is always just so much pressure on the front of my throat. I figure its just from being sad and crying all the time. I never thought I could feel the amount of pain I have since you've been gone. I remember when you used to go to Nathan and Mandy's house over the summer for a few months and make money out there. Whenever you would leave you would have so much fun you would forget about us and we would try and text you and you would respond super late and with few word answers. I always missed having you around when you went out there because the house would be so quiet and lonely when you were gone but I was happy knowing you were always coming back home and at least we would hear from you every now and then. I wish that was the case and you were just gone for a few months. In 17 days it will be 3 months since you were taken from us. It kills me every day not being able to see you or hear your voice. Mom and dad were in Utah this weekend and yesterday I was alone at home and walking through the house and I just started crying. I hate the fact of knowing i'll never be able to walk into a room and see you in there. I still find myself thinking that one day i'll walk into your room or the bathroom and slowly look around the corner of the door and hope to find you in there, but I know I won't and am just hurting myself the more I think I can convince myself that you're coming back home. I want so badly for you to walk through the front door! The day you left you took the other half of my heart with you. I hate that as your big sister it's my job to protect you when i'm with you and I failed you. Every day I wish I could redo that day. I find myself every few days standing by the computer looking into your room asking myself if I could have seen you from there. But I know I couldn't have, where you were was just to far over from the door where I can't see in. I remember looking past into your room that day while I was walking by getting ready and remember seeing your door half way open and the light on but didn't think anything of it. I always feel bad that I didn't walk in there and just check on you or see what you were up to. I hope you aren't mad with me, who knows if you were hoping I would walk in early enough to stop or save you. But I didn't and those thoughts and regrets are forever in my mind. We've been doing really great spreading the word about the "Amanda Panda choose the right campaign", so many people saying how grateful they are for what were doing and wanting to help spread the word and help others. Mom and I have been doing so much with your campaign and it feels really good raising awareness and keeping your memory alive. I know I personally need this just as much as other people we're reached about suicide awareness. Ever since you've been gone I find myself going through moments where I would much rather be with you and see you again then live with the pain and guilt I do every moment of every day. I miss when I used to be sad you would know and come into my room and sit on my lap and just hug me let me know that it will be okay. I wish I could get one of your hugs now and tell me everything will be okay. I don't know how to live without you! My body has been going though so much weird stuff from all the stress and sadness of having you gone. Im trying so hard to better my life for myself and for you! I've actually started going back to church I've gone like 4 times so far it may just be for the first hour but its all about baby steps right? So far it's more then i've gone in one year alone. To be honest I always feel really good after wards, and I can see how happy it makes mom and dad when I go. I still can't remember any of my dreams and it drives me crazy because all I want is to dream of you or have you talk to me in them. I really just want to be able to see your face somewhere besides a picture. It kills me that I have to look at a picture to see your beautiful face or search for a video to hear your voice. I find myself getting upset because Im scared of forgetting what you sound or look like. I know that won't ever happen but it still scares me. I don't ever want to forget you. I'll do whatever it takes to keep your memory alive! I hope your at peace and happy where you are! Mom told me about her dream a few weeks ago that she finally saw you and you told her you were helping God by showing others how to cross over. It brought me some peace knowing you were okay and helping others. Keep up the amazing work and keep us strong through this difficult time. I love you baby girl and hope to see you in my dreams soon!<3

Things I miss...

Every day you cross my mind from the moment I wake up till I close my eyes at night.There are always memories of things we used to do together or what I would do for you. I miss you ever second of every day! You have no idea how much my heart aches for you Mandy. I miss my little sister! My heart has been crushed into a thousand little pieces, I feel so lost and empty with you gone. There isn't one thing I wouldn't do or give to have you back or even just have one last moment with you, I wish I could just hug you one last time!

• I miss the sound of your voice! I try finding videos of you talking just so I can hear you. It kills me because I feel like i'm going to forget what you sound like!
• I actually miss fighting over clothes and mom yelling at us to just share and stop complaining.
• I miss your amazing sense of style. I always admired the way you dressed and wished I was able to pull off half the stuff you wore.
• I miss the way you stomped around the house, you would sound like you were a 300 pound guy. I swear I can still hear your loud footsteps sometimes.
• I miss my shopping buddy! Buying things now just doesn't seem right anymore. There has been times I went to shop thinking it would make me feel happier like it used to and I ended up putting everything back that I had in my cart and left and just cried.
• I miss going places with you, we went everywhere together from shopping, getting food, taking you places,picking up your friends everywhere! Its hard driving in my car now, I always look over to the passenger seat and picture you sitting there singing and being the DJ and having all our talks. I still have those mini pics on my visors in my car we took years ago at that chinese photo booth place its like having a piece of you with me when I drive.
• I miss getting that 3:00 text saying "hi" (meaning can you come get me from school?) I picked you up every day and would take your friends home as well. Ive still take your friends home from school if they text me and ask for a ride. 
• I miss helping you curl/straighten your hair and do your makeup
• I miss how we used to try and race and beat each other to the big bathroom so we could shower first. 
• I miss doing the butt bible with you and going on our walks on the trial or down foothill. Whenever we would go on walks we would talk and laugh so hard. I used to try and get you to walk far with me and the times we would walk far you would end up calling mom to come pick us up so we didn't have to walk back or we would go to McDonalds and get an ice cream. haha
• I miss cuddling with you on the couch or in our rooms while watching tv. 
• I miss when we would wrestle and mom would yell at us and tell us to stop and we would just respond and be like this is how we show we love each other! Mom used to get so mad when we used to bite each other or leave hickeys on each others arms haha.
• I miss how you were pretty much the only person I would be my complete self with and act dorky and not care. 
• I miss your funny voices and crazy faces. You used to always make faces when we were at a restaurant or driving around to random people or do it to our boyfriends when they weren't looking and stop once they would pay attention acting like you weren't doing anything.
• I miss making you lunches for school. You always asked me to make you sandwiches for school or when you were just hungry at home, you always said you like mine the best(:
• I miss giving you your daily hugs even when you didn't want them I wouldn't let you escape.
• I miss the way we would say I love you to each other. We had our secret way of saying it. We would tell each other " your ugly" & "your uglier" meaning I love you ,and I love you more!<3

I JUST MISS YOU, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!!<3 I love you!! :D

One step at a time

Ever since your passing my heart, soul, and emotions have been all over the place. I normally am only okay and sane when I am around people. Although the moment I am alone which has probably only been maybe 4 times for a few hrs at the most I fall apart. I guess its easier for me to stay strong and fight the feelings while I'm surrounded with family or with Frankie and so I suppose that the moment I'm alone my wall is able to come down for the time being and all of my emotions come running out and I just cry for hrs. Saturday was not good for me at all...mom and dad went out and ran some errands I think so of coarse I cried but then I was able to gather myself together. I didn't feel like doing anything like always so I was just laying down in bed watching tv, mom came home and brought taco bell and basically made me eat a burrito. Then she came back in the room and handed me a new Macy's credit card and told me I should go shopping. Now normally I would be jumping with joy if she told me "here is money so you can go shopping", but this time it just made me super depressed. All I could think about when she left my room was how I would normally go and ask if you would want to go shopping. You and I were always shopping buddies. I honestly feel like I can not go shopping anymore without you as my shopping buddy! It brought forward so many emotions I sat in bed and cried which felt like forever! Seems like everything I ever do or look at has memories of you all over it. (I honestly looked at a chicken leg today and it made me sad thinking those were the only ones you would ever eat and would steal them all so no one else would eat them haha!) but I was crying like a little baby. Ever since you left us I've been getting anxiety and panic attacks I'll cry so hard I just cant breathe. I've been pretty good at controlling my thoughts when I cry but that day all I could think about was how badly I missed you and didn't want to live without my sister/best friend anymore!! All I thought was how I would rather be there with you instead of having all of this heart ache inside of me. After a while I went out to the living room and climbed on top of mom and just had tears running down my face. I told her how I didn't want to live without you, she told me not to say that, that its not okay to think like that. Our whole family is dealing with the loss of you and we all deal with it differently. She then asked if I've prayed at all and I was honest and said no that inside I feel angry with god for taking you from us. She then told me that I need to start praying and not to be angry at god he didn't want this. That it was Satan, he fed off or your weakness and if I'm angry at anyone be angry at him. She also said that her and dad have been praying a lot and that is why they feel peace and comfort. I honestly wish I could feel at peace and know you were happy and not hurting at all. I feel so empty, loss and numb inside. I fight everyday trying my best to stay strong and not give up. Sunday I went to church and just my luck it was testimony meeting and listening to others go up and bare their testimony's really touched me and made me think. I have only given mine once and that was when I was probably like 12. I always knew I had one, I knew in my heart the church was true but as I got older and in this world we live in today it makes it really hard especially on anyone my age to follow the rules. As i've gotten older I had stopped going to church, stopped praying and reading my scriptures and wasn't following the rules we're supposed to live by. So obviously my testimony has weakened and I barely even have one anymore. But now whether you like it or not Mandy you have become a missionary in your own way. So far since you've left us you have effected so many lives and people have been wanting to change and better their lives for you and themselves. You have even made me think twice about things I used to do and way I lived my life. I know that if I want to feel closer to you and see you once again after this life I will need to change up the way I live. I know it wont be easy and I don't need to do it all at once, just one step at a time. But I do promise you that within time whether it be in a few months or even a year from now who knows, but I will become a better person for you. I'll do whatever it takes to get closer to you and get to see you in the afterlife. Please just promise me you'll always be by my side and give me the strength to stay strong and keep living for the both of us. Help me find the want to live life again and believe in myself and be able to get back to school and get a better job. I cant do this on my own you were always there pushing me along to do better and live a better life so you cant leave me now. I need you more then ever Mandy!!! Keep watching over us and especially me while i'm staying at papas ill need your presence around so I don't go insane haha! You were supposed to be out here with me! I really hope your at peace and are looking down over us all. Sweet dreams beautiful! I love you Manda Panda <3 xoxoxoxo

Car ride heartaches

"Call me maybe?" Was playing on the radio while I was driving earlier. That song makes me happy because that was your song to me, you would sing and dance in the car to cheer me up and make me smile! I can't stand being in my car anymore. There are to many memories we had together in there. Everytime I get in my car I look over at the passenger seat where you always sat and I break down in tears. We went everywhere together! I don't even like the thought of going shopping anymore because that's what you and I did together. You were my personal stylist, you would always help me find clothes. Sometimes if you gave me something to try on and I didn't love it that much I would still buy it because I knew you secretly wanted it. You always had the best style and could make anything look amazing on you! To be honest I always wished I was more like you. You had amazing style and confidence that you could pull anything off,  there would be stuff I would want but didnt know if I could pull it off so I wouldnt get it. I'm going to miss my shopping partner! I'm especially going to miss getting that text everyday at 3pm saying "hey" that would be your way of asking me if I could come pick you up from school lol. I picked you and your friends up everyday from school just so you didn't have to walk home in the heat. As much as I needed more work I never truly wanted to work around the time you got out of school because I felt that was my job to get you everyday and I would feel horrible if I couldn't get you if I was busy! Whenever I'm in my car memories just flash by. You were my dj we would talk, laugh, listen to our favorite songs we knew we weren't allowed to play at home when mom and dad were home because they would be inappropriate and dirty lol. Our song was "Gangsters and Strippers" we got all your friends to like that song because we would always play it in my car whenever I would take you and your friends anywhere. Mom and dad decided to listen to that song because they saw everyone writing about how that song makes them think of you and well they weren't to happy with that song cause its so dirty haha but I don't care that was our song! You dont understand how much I miss you. I was looking at pictures of you this morning, and I hate the fact that I have to look at pictures of you to see your beautiful face now! You were so photogenic and in love with the camera I'm happy you were because now we have tons of pictures of you to look at! The past few days haven't been to easy for me I've been feeling pretty sad inside. Seems like all I've been trying to do lately is keep a smile on my face even if I know deep down inside it isn't real and inside I'm falling apart! I've been learning how to fake it so everyone can try to stop worrying about me! The more everyone acts like I'm going to do something stupid or hurt myself makes me start to believe inside I might actually do something dumb!! I hate having people worry about me so much, but I would probably worry about me to, seeing what I saw isn't easy to handle. I took your friends Brandon and Ashton out the other day and on the way home I started having crazy anxiety I kept getting flashbacks of when I found you, I just kept seeing your face and had to hold back the tears I didn't want them to see me cry. I'm doing the best I can to be strong I have my good and bad moments... I don't even feel right seeing friends or smiling laughing, I feel so guilty about it like I should just be home sad and as much I would like to do that all day long I know i need to try and at least take babyteps and learn it's okay to be happy! You will always be in my heart and thoughts no matter what. I'll love you forever and always manda panda!♡♡♡

Replay...

Replay...


Every day since July 11, 2012 my mind has been in replay mode. I wonder to myself and drive myself crazy inside thinking if there was anything possible I could have done to change the outcome of that day and stopped my 16 year old sister from taking her life. I replay every moment of that day starting from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning. Every Wednesday it is street sweeping day, so as my mom is heading out the door she wakes me up and tells me to put my car in the drive way. I get up move my car lay down for about another 30 minutes ,and then decide to wash my car. So I get up wash my car and listen to some music, for some reason having a clean car tends to brighten my day. Afterwards I  head to my parents room to shower. I see my litter sister Mandy on my parents bed laying in her towel texting. I go lay with her hug her and then all 3 of our dogs come into the room and jump on the bed. We lay there playing with my dog Coco, I asked her "would you want to go swim at aunties house later that day?", and she says "maybe, I'll let you know later", then she asked "can you take me to 7Eleven later and get a free slurpee?", and I say "yeah i will". Then I head to the bathroom and get into the shower. Mandy calls out to me, "are you in the shower already the door is still open?", I respond "yeah I like the door open", and those are the last words my little sister had said to me. I shower, get out and my friend Candace texts me asking if I would like to go grab a quick lunch with her on her lunch break. I say yes, she lets me know she'll be over in like 35 minutes or so, so i quickly get ready put on some make-up, throw on a dress and as I have a few minutes left to spare I take a few pics of myself (that is one detail I haven't told anyone yet because for some reason I've been killing myself inside thinking instead of taking some pics I should have gone and talked to my sister). So my friend Candace text me and let me know she was out front, and as normal I always go and let my sister know I am about to leave, tell her where I'm going and when I'll be home. As I walk into her room to let her know I'm leaving I find my little sister...she had taken her life by hanging herself from her chandelier. All within an instant in my mind I'm not believing what is before my eyes, my mind is telling me that this isn't real and she is playing a mean joke on me. Then right away I grab her skinny body with one arm and pull her up, while with the other hand I try and unfasten the scarf she used as a noose around her neck, I pull it off lay her on the ground run outside yell for me friend to come in, run back into her room, try checking to see if she is breathing while my friend calls the cops. She hands me the phone I tell the operator my little sister hung herself in her room and I don't think she is breathing. The cops, ambulance, and fire trucks all arrive at my house within a minute, I take them to her and they start on her right away doing everything they possibly can. I was standing on my porch calling my mom who is at work, had to call her about three times until she answered and when finally when she picked up I'm crying and told her to get home right away I need her that Mandy just took her life. She works in Pasadena so it took her about 20 mins to get home. While I'm waiting for her to get home the cops are asking me tons of questions. I hear one of the cops tell another we need a bag, my stomach sank and I asked them "aren't you going to take her to the hospital? ", they look at me and say " I'm sorry but there is nothing me we can do, she's gone." I cant believe the words that I am hearing, my body goes numb and I'm crying thankfully a few mins later my mom arrives with a bunch of her co-workers that apparently she was in a meeting with when I had called her. I ran to her and tell her that Mandy is gone she cries out NO! We held each other tightly while tears were flowing down then she goes and talks to the cops. Finally now that she is there I feel that its okay if i really break down and let go now, finally I am not alone and don't have to take care of it all myself. Moments later my aunt Kellie and cousin Katie pull up and I go to them and tell them the news and then my older sister Breanna and her boyfriend Ben pull up and I go and tell them. Holding my other sister tightly telling her our baby sister is gone hurt like crazy! Slowly more and more people start arriving from family members my moms co-workers, church friends, my little sisters friends, and through all of this we are still waiting for our dad to get home from where and he works in West LA about 45 mins away. Our driveway starts being filled with people then finally people go into the back yard where there is shade and seating trying to escape the hot humid day the cops wouldn't let anyone in the house since my sisters death was considered a suicide. I had found my sister at 1:50 pm, and around 4:45 or so before they were about to take her away they let my parents, my sister and I and also my aunt and cousin come in to say our goodbyes. We cried, said a family prayer, kissed her head and said goodbye. It literally broke me in pieces seeing them take her away in a body bag around 5ish. Throughout the rest of the day tons of people were in and out of our home with tears, I'm sorry for your loss, but most of all the hugs and support that gave our family comfort with the knowing we have so many people that love us and will be there to help us through this tragic time. How can a day that started off so good where I was happy had plans to go to lunch, possibly go swim at my aunts and take my sister to get free Slurpee's take a total 360 and change my world and life forever? I hate that I had only spoken to her for about only 5 mins that day. I should of asked how she was or maybe even just held her or  gone into her room after my shower. It kills me inside that I had walked passed her room like 3 times while getting ready, her door was half way open her light on but it didn't cross my mind to go in her room. I hate the fact of not knowing if she decided to take her life when I got into the shower or even just a bit before I had gone into her room to say goodbye. What I hate the most is I never got to tell her I love her one last time! I think to myself was there anything I could of done to stop that outcome? But this was nothing that had ever crossed my mind, my sister was the happiest girl I've ever known always smiling and laughing being dorky. I know in my heart this isn't what she intended. She didn't want this outcome. In a quick moment of despair and sadness because she thought her and her boyfriend were breaking up she made the decision to take her life. She had so much to live for ,and had so many people that love her and still do love and miss her deeply. Even though I ask myself all the "what if''s ?", I know that this was her choice at the moment and I need to respect that. it breaks my heart knowing I have to go on with my life without her by my side. She was my mini me, my best friend, we did everything together. Even though I feel lost and alone now, I know inside I'm not. There are so many people that love me and will be there to help me through out all of this. I will forever love and miss you Amanda Kellie Andrews! You're forever in my mind and heart, I hope you knew how much I love you. You were the glue that held our family together so please watch over our family and keep us strong! 


R.I.P. Manda Panda, I LOVE YOU<3

Breathe

Breathe lyrics
Songwriters: Caillat, Colbie; Swift, Taylor Alison;

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry