The disguise of what lies beneath...

Why is it that I have a million words go through my mind of what I'd like to say but when I finally try to jot them down my mind goes blank and I can't seem to find the right words to write?

Lately you've crossed my mind a lot. Sadly I never let you stay in my there for to long. It isn't because I don't want to think of you, but it's because I don't like the feelings it brings along with it. All of the abandoned thoughts and feelings finally found its way through the door though. Broke down and just cried. It's so hard going through life without you. I try so hard to hide what's going on in my mind. Honestly I've gotten really good at it. I'm able to convince everyone around me that I'm okay, that I'm happy...I even convince myself sometimes. Honestly I feel like I am happy most of the time, but when those thoughts that I push far into the back of my mind come out its like a tornado hits and I'm overwhelmed with tears, pain, and heartache. When I'm around people I'm usually pretty good. I'm distracted. But the moment I'm alone, especially at night, oh how those thoughts just tare me up inside. 

It's amazing how strong the mind can be. I feel that I have to be strong for everyone around me, and so I am. I do my very best to be strong for our parents, your friends, and even random people I don't even know that trust in me with what troubles them. I appreciate so much that people can trust in me and come to me for help. There isn't anything more in the world I want than to be able to help others learn to love themselves and find that glimpse of hope in their heart to fight on. Even if I struggle at times to love myself and hold onto to hope. 

Making a change

For those of you who may not know me very well you may not know that I am Mormon. My family and I joined The Church of Latter Day Saints when I had turned 8. Before my family and I were about to get sealed in the temple it's been said that Satan will do his best to keep you from joining the church and do what is right. Well from the experience that my parents and both my sister and I had that is very true. My parents never knew but my sister and I experienced something very similar to there's the same night. A while later my parents had brought it up. (It's said that Satan can appear in many forms). My parents both witnessed a black mist covering their bedroom ceiling while praying. Since my dad had the priesthood now he was able to command it to go away. My sister and I had a room down the hall from my parents. We had bunk beds and we layed with out heads next to the door. We were up late talking since we couldn't sleep, and the next thing I rememeber was seeing a black shadowy figure walking towards our room from near our parents room. My sister and I were horrified covering our eyes with our blankets. We never spoke of it again until the day my parents brought up what happened to them and then all of a sudden both my sister and I broke out in tears and our parents realized we witnessed the same thing. Satan was trying to scare our family away from being in the church. To this day I still get goosebumps thinking of that night. 

Before we joined the church my family had struggled a lot. For those of you who know how much I don't like eating potatoes it's because we ate them for the longest time every way possible lol. Once we joined the church though things slowing started to become better in our lives. I honestly can say that my family wouldn't be where we are today without having the church in our lives. I won't lie growing up in the church came with a lot of rules and as a teenager in high school it wasn't the easiest thing. My parents made the decision that once I became 18 I could make my own choices and it would be up to me if I went to church. Being 18 I decided to live it up and have fun with the rest of my friends. I know I strayed off the road of the straight and narrow and doing what is right and worthy for a while but in my heart I still always believed that the church was true. After my sister Amanda died July 11, 2012 it pretty much destroyed me inside. I would ask God how he could take her away from me. I wished it had been me. I lived my life, she was only 16. Mandy was one of the best people I knew. She was beautiful, caring, loving, and so fun to be around. She was my other half. After losing her I became broken and felt empty inside. I decided I needed to become more religious again and have the gospel and the spirt fill my heart. I knew I couldn't become stronger without God. I've stopped doing many of the things I had once done, still some I'm working on letting go of. After losing Mandy I became depressed, I have some of the craziest mood swings now. I've pretty much gone through every stage of grief. I have actually gone through the angry stage several times. For a while I was going to church and praying every day, but then I became angry again. The pain and heartache of losing my sister who was my everything tore at me again. I honestly hadn't been praying lately, well actually for a while now. I go to church most Sundays. But the past few months I've been feeling very confused and lost I feel like I have no direction of where my life is headed, and whenever I feel like I'm becoming stronger I start to feel weak again. I kept telling myself I need to start praying again and read my scriptures, but even though I said it didn't mean I was doing it. The last few days I had gone through a whirlwind of emotions. Last night I decided I needed a change in my life and to stop just saying it but actually do it. So I layed in bed with the lights off and decided to read the scriptures. I have a Book of Mormon scripture app on my phone (for those of you who were like you can't read in the dark, well I can with my phone lol). Before I started reading I decided to say a prayer to help open my heart and mind to the message I was about to read. After reading for a while I started to get this weird feeling. I looked up and even though my room was dark I was able to see what once scared me a a kid. All of a sudden my room was filled with a black mist getting bigger and bigger and it was moving around and kept getting closer to me. You know how you can feel when something isn't right well I had that feeling that this was a bad presence. I tried to keep reading and it just got worse. I jumped up turned on the lights and went to my parents room at like 11:30pm. My dad was just getting ready for bed and my mom was already asleep, my dad asked me what was wrong and I said I got scared in my room.  He asked why and I told him I was reading my scriptures and then a black mist took over my room. He hugged me tight and told me it's Satan trying to scare you away from doing good. My mom had woken up and I went and layed with her and told her and just cried in her arms. When you witness that black mist or figure what ever form Satan may appear to you in it is truly a scary feeling. I was ready to sleep in my parents bed because I was so scared to go back to my room. My dad left the room for a minute and then came back and my mom goes did you tell him to leave. He said yes. Since my dad has the priesthood he is able to command Satan to leave. We said a family prayer and then I finally got the courage to go back to my room. When I came back to bed you can feel the energy completely change. Even in my dark room it felt lighter and more peaceful. I truly believe that satan doesn't want you to stray away from him and his worldly temptations. He will do what he can to keep you from following Gods footsteps and do what is right. As scary as it was I'm greatful for the experience I had last night because it showed me that I was doing what is right and even though it may not be easy all the time I need to lean on The Lord to keep me safe and strong and not let other temptations get to me. I want to better my life and find out what I'm capable if and where my life leads. Its time to take charge and do what is best for me, myself and I. Time to better my life one step at a time. So if anyone says it seems like I've changed and may not go out and do what I used to or what you like, it's because I'm finally going to take the reigns of my life and do what is best for me and makes me happy. I know that if I plan on seeing Amanda in the after life I need to change up my life. When my family was sealed into the temple we were bound as a family forever and we will still know eachother in the afterlife. I plan on being reunited with Mandy one day. Now it's my turn to do my part and do what is right to see her again. Time for a new beginning and a better me.  

To my superman <3

Have you ever done something you wish you hadn't? And after you think why did I do that and wish there was a way to change it back. That's exactly how I feel right now. I tend to be a person that over reacts over the smallest things. I wish I wasn't that way because now I think I lost the one guy that means the most to me. All because I over reacted. I started my internship a month ago and since then I never got to see my boyfriend because we were both working full time but opposite schedules. So we went from seeing each other about 5 times a week to only 1-2 times a week and that was the hardest thing for me to adjust to. Being with someone for 3 1/2 years and being with each other all the time and then not being able to see them and barely even talk hit me hard. I thought that me starting my internship and finishing school would be great for our relationship and it turned out to be the complete opposite. I just hated when I would look forward to seeing or talking to him, and he wasn't there. He started just going out with his friends/coworkers all the time instead and I felt like I became last in his life and that hurt. I wish I hadn't pushed him away like I did because I don't want to love anyone else. He was the one for me from day one. He always knew how to brighten my day and make me smile so much my cheeks would cramp. He was the one I wanted to fall asleep to and wake up next to. He's where I feel safe and where I can escape all the pain the my life. The one person I feel like when I'm with him all my problems just disappear and I feel like I'm going to be okay. He's one of the most caring, generous, loving and supportive men I know, and I've always admired that about him. He has always taken care if his family and been there for his friends when they need someone and even been there for my family and most of all me. He's my real life superman and I wish I could have him back in my life. We have been through pretty much every obstacle life can throw at you together and have found a way to climb over each one. I guess when I start to feel like I'm losing what I have good in my life, my guard goes right up and I prepare myself to lose what I have. All my life people have come and gone. And most of all the ones I had always loved and cared about the most have always left my life. It's something I have become to used to. I just wish for once someone would stay in my life that meant the world to me. I'm tired of feeling alone. I wish life came with a rewind button so I could go back to Wednesday and not have over reacted and pushed the man I love away. All I ever wanted was to finally finish school and find a job so I could be able to put more into our relationship. I've never made a lot of money, so my bf really was the one that supported everything we did. I helped out as much as I could with things. But I always looked forward to the day I could be like no I got this or be able to pay for my half. He has brought so much fun into my life. He had taught me how to live again. He has always been the one person besides my family I knew I could depend on, and pretty much the only person I could talk to about anything at all. He has seen my at my prettiest and most of all my ugliest and excepted me for who I was inside and out. I always pictured myself marrying him one day and having kids with him. I wanted that so badly. If I could I would re-do this last month and start over and find a way to make it work. He is the man for me and I don't want to lose him for good. If I could have one wish it would be to have the one person that knows me best back into my life. I want that happily ever after with him. I just wish it wasn't too late. <3

To my Super Woman<3

Ever since I can remember my mother has been my hero. It has always been the two of us since I was two years old, and just like any single mother she did everything she could to provide and be the best mom she could to take care of her child. When I was 4 I became best friends with another little girl that lived in the same apartment complex and supposedly we hooked our parents up and just like a fairy tale my best friend became my sister. By gaining a new sister, I also gained a new dad and most of all a man that treated my mom with love and respect. A few years later we had the most important addition to our family, our little sister Amanda who became the glue that held our family together.

Now I know everyone says they have a great mom and Im sure they do, but I must say I truly have one amazing mother. She is the type of woman that leads by example. I know I am the person I am today because of her. She is the most kind, loving, generous, and strongest woman I know. She is the kind of person that goes out of her way to help someone in need even if its a stranger on the street. She gives 110% at work, and because of that she is amazing at what she does and I hope to one day be great at my job that she is at hers. No matter how busy she was at work she always made sure to come to every single one of my water polo games and that meant the world to me because she was the one face I would look out for in the crowd, I loved knowing she was my biggest fan. My mom has always been there for me through thick and thin, she is the one person I know I can always count on to be there no matter what. Im not one to share my feelings but somehow my mom always knew when something was wrong and she would always write me a letter or make me a cd and somehow it would always be exactly how I was feeling. Sometimes I come home to find a bag of peanut m&ms or some sun chips on my bed because she knows there my favorite, just to cheer me up or let me know she was thinking of me. She has always done her best to give her family the best life possible.  

After Mandy passed away ten months ago my mom took the role of being super woman. Making her life mission to help everyone she possible could and to share the message that you are loved beyond measure, that even if you are having a tough day that the best are still to come, to never give up on life, to love everyone and most of all to choose the right! Running the pledge wall has basically become her 2nd job. Every morning she post a new inspiring quote or picture on the wall. Every day she is messaging with people from all around sharing the Choose The Right Pledge and mailing out wristbands. She has taken all of Mandys friends in under her wing and they have become daughters to our parents and little sisters to my sister Breanna and I. She's always going out of her way to make sure those girls are happy and taken care of like they are her own. Every day I try to be more like my mother. One day I hope i'll be able to inspire others and brighten a room like she can. She truly is the strongest woman I know. I feel so lucky to have a role model, best friend, and most of all mother like her in my life. There will never be enough words be able to explain how much she means to me. She is my other half and I wouldn't be complete without her. Thank you for always being there for me and your family and being the greatest example anyone could ask for. There is no doubt that you truly are Wonder Woman. I love you to the moon and back forever and always! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOMMY <3

I Miss You

I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you... around

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that?

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

                         

I'll never understand why...! :(

Lately I've been so upset with you trying to figure out the one question I'll never get answered, "why"? How is it that one minute I'm giving you a hug in your towel and playing with the dogs and your asking me to take you to 711 to get a slurpee and in an hr I'm finding and holding your dead body? I hope one day I'm able to accept the fact that your gone but right now I still can't especially that your gone from your own will. How could you take your own life! How could you take away a daughter from mom and dad and a sister from Bre and I. How could you take away my best friend away. I've been so depressed lately with you gone. It kills me inside that its already been 6 months when it feels like just yesterday. Why did you have to take you life? Why couldn't you just come talk to me, or your friends, or go in the garage and hit the punching bag if you were angry or sad ? You could have done anything else even just waited a few hrs or a day, and would have realized that everything would have been fine. Instead you made a choice to never see or talk to your family or friends again or live life, love, make new memories. You just ended it. I wonder at times why did you chose to do it when I would find you? I would never wish that on anyone else having to find you the way you were, it haunts me every day. That image I have left in my memory of you of the way your face looked and your body finds a way to appear and give me flash backs whether I want them there or not. Doesn't matter if I'm driving, hanging out, or trying to sleep that image reappears. I honestly thought they could save you that day. Maybe inside I knew you were gone but I sure wished you weren't and that they could save you and bring you back. I'll never forget when one of the paramedics came out and told an officer they "needed a bag" meaning a body bag to put you in! I broke down in horrified tears asking them "aren't you going to take her to the hospital and help her", and I got the response that they did everything they could and their sorry but there isn't anything else they can do. I was alone and scared! How could you do that to me. Now I don't known what to be without you around. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you. I hope you know this isn't easy for me. Going through life everyday is a challenge. Some days I'm okay and others I just want to cry and then there are days I just want to throw in the ropes and give up. You knew me, you knew how quiet and shy I am. How hard it has always been to let people into my life and then go and took away the most important person in my life and that was you! You'll never understand how much you were my other half. I try so hard to put on a brave face and smile when inside I'm hurting. You don't know how much you've changed me inside by you leaving. I've closed up so much more scared to let anyone in because I'm scared that every one will always just leave me. It's hard and lonely being the only other one at home besides our parents. Feels like I have to be perfect now in every way. Especially with mom. It's been getting frustrating at times. I feel like I can't do anything that will upset her. But honesty sometimes I want to be able to go out and have fun and live MY life without someone telling me what I can and can't do. Or someone judging me. But damn I'm going through a really hard time and if I want to have a beer or a glass of wine why can't I? There are plenty of people that would have turned to getting drunk all the time after having to go through what I went through. But I haven't. But whenever she thinks I have, I get a mean look of judgment how she doesn't approve. I'm almost 24 and I still care about pleasing my parents and making sure they're happiness and approval comes before me ever living and enjoying life. It's not like I want to go out and party all crazy but every now and then I would like to enjoy myself and have fun. I mean I go to school and get A's and if I'm not at school I'm at home or Frankie's house. And we honestly don't ever go out but if we do I'm tired of holding back from having fun because of my parents. It's frustrating that Bre can go out and drink and even do it in front of them but if it was me its completely different. But for now on if I'm supposed to live my life then I want to start living it to the fullest and for me, myself, and I! Im tired of having to live my life according to how someone else expects me to live. Because of you Mandy you have changed my life completely, but I need to start living. Because if I don't I'm afraid you'll end up seeing me sooner then later. I really don't want to leave yet I know I have a lot in me I haven't shown the world yet. I need to if I ever want to be truly happy. I love you to the moon and back and miss you terribly. Goodnight baby girl! <3

Hard to breathe

For the past few weeks it feels like someone is choking me and it gets hard to breathe. I don't know why it gets like that but there is always just so much pressure on the front of my throat. I figure its just from being sad and crying all the time. I never thought I could feel the amount of pain I have since you've been gone. I remember when you used to go to Nathan and Mandy's house over the summer for a few months and make money out there. Whenever you would leave you would have so much fun you would forget about us and we would try and text you and you would respond super late and with few word answers. I always missed having you around when you went out there because the house would be so quiet and lonely when you were gone but I was happy knowing you were always coming back home and at least we would hear from you every now and then. I wish that was the case and you were just gone for a few months. In 17 days it will be 3 months since you were taken from us. It kills me every day not being able to see you or hear your voice. Mom and dad were in Utah this weekend and yesterday I was alone at home and walking through the house and I just started crying. I hate the fact of knowing i'll never be able to walk into a room and see you in there. I still find myself thinking that one day i'll walk into your room or the bathroom and slowly look around the corner of the door and hope to find you in there, but I know I won't and am just hurting myself the more I think I can convince myself that you're coming back home. I want so badly for you to walk through the front door! The day you left you took the other half of my heart with you. I hate that as your big sister it's my job to protect you when i'm with you and I failed you. Every day I wish I could redo that day. I find myself every few days standing by the computer looking into your room asking myself if I could have seen you from there. But I know I couldn't have, where you were was just to far over from the door where I can't see in. I remember looking past into your room that day while I was walking by getting ready and remember seeing your door half way open and the light on but didn't think anything of it. I always feel bad that I didn't walk in there and just check on you or see what you were up to. I hope you aren't mad with me, who knows if you were hoping I would walk in early enough to stop or save you. But I didn't and those thoughts and regrets are forever in my mind. We've been doing really great spreading the word about the "Amanda Panda choose the right campaign", so many people saying how grateful they are for what were doing and wanting to help spread the word and help others. Mom and I have been doing so much with your campaign and it feels really good raising awareness and keeping your memory alive. I know I personally need this just as much as other people we're reached about suicide awareness. Ever since you've been gone I find myself going through moments where I would much rather be with you and see you again then live with the pain and guilt I do every moment of every day. I miss when I used to be sad you would know and come into my room and sit on my lap and just hug me let me know that it will be okay. I wish I could get one of your hugs now and tell me everything will be okay. I don't know how to live without you! My body has been going though so much weird stuff from all the stress and sadness of having you gone. Im trying so hard to better my life for myself and for you! I've actually started going back to church I've gone like 4 times so far it may just be for the first hour but its all about baby steps right? So far it's more then i've gone in one year alone. To be honest I always feel really good after wards, and I can see how happy it makes mom and dad when I go. I still can't remember any of my dreams and it drives me crazy because all I want is to dream of you or have you talk to me in them. I really just want to be able to see your face somewhere besides a picture. It kills me that I have to look at a picture to see your beautiful face or search for a video to hear your voice. I find myself getting upset because Im scared of forgetting what you sound or look like. I know that won't ever happen but it still scares me. I don't ever want to forget you. I'll do whatever it takes to keep your memory alive! I hope your at peace and happy where you are! Mom told me about her dream a few weeks ago that she finally saw you and you told her you were helping God by showing others how to cross over. It brought me some peace knowing you were okay and helping others. Keep up the amazing work and keep us strong through this difficult time. I love you baby girl and hope to see you in my dreams soon!<3