Hard to breathe

For the past few weeks it feels like someone is choking me and it gets hard to breathe. I don't know why it gets like that but there is always just so much pressure on the front of my throat. I figure its just from being sad and crying all the time. I never thought I could feel the amount of pain I have since you've been gone. I remember when you used to go to Nathan and Mandy's house over the summer for a few months and make money out there. Whenever you would leave you would have so much fun you would forget about us and we would try and text you and you would respond super late and with few word answers. I always missed having you around when you went out there because the house would be so quiet and lonely when you were gone but I was happy knowing you were always coming back home and at least we would hear from you every now and then. I wish that was the case and you were just gone for a few months. In 17 days it will be 3 months since you were taken from us. It kills me every day not being able to see you or hear your voice. Mom and dad were in Utah this weekend and yesterday I was alone at home and walking through the house and I just started crying. I hate the fact of knowing i'll never be able to walk into a room and see you in there. I still find myself thinking that one day i'll walk into your room or the bathroom and slowly look around the corner of the door and hope to find you in there, but I know I won't and am just hurting myself the more I think I can convince myself that you're coming back home. I want so badly for you to walk through the front door! The day you left you took the other half of my heart with you. I hate that as your big sister it's my job to protect you when i'm with you and I failed you. Every day I wish I could redo that day. I find myself every few days standing by the computer looking into your room asking myself if I could have seen you from there. But I know I couldn't have, where you were was just to far over from the door where I can't see in. I remember looking past into your room that day while I was walking by getting ready and remember seeing your door half way open and the light on but didn't think anything of it. I always feel bad that I didn't walk in there and just check on you or see what you were up to. I hope you aren't mad with me, who knows if you were hoping I would walk in early enough to stop or save you. But I didn't and those thoughts and regrets are forever in my mind. We've been doing really great spreading the word about the "Amanda Panda choose the right campaign", so many people saying how grateful they are for what were doing and wanting to help spread the word and help others. Mom and I have been doing so much with your campaign and it feels really good raising awareness and keeping your memory alive. I know I personally need this just as much as other people we're reached about suicide awareness. Ever since you've been gone I find myself going through moments where I would much rather be with you and see you again then live with the pain and guilt I do every moment of every day. I miss when I used to be sad you would know and come into my room and sit on my lap and just hug me let me know that it will be okay. I wish I could get one of your hugs now and tell me everything will be okay. I don't know how to live without you! My body has been going though so much weird stuff from all the stress and sadness of having you gone. Im trying so hard to better my life for myself and for you! I've actually started going back to church I've gone like 4 times so far it may just be for the first hour but its all about baby steps right? So far it's more then i've gone in one year alone. To be honest I always feel really good after wards, and I can see how happy it makes mom and dad when I go. I still can't remember any of my dreams and it drives me crazy because all I want is to dream of you or have you talk to me in them. I really just want to be able to see your face somewhere besides a picture. It kills me that I have to look at a picture to see your beautiful face or search for a video to hear your voice. I find myself getting upset because Im scared of forgetting what you sound or look like. I know that won't ever happen but it still scares me. I don't ever want to forget you. I'll do whatever it takes to keep your memory alive! I hope your at peace and happy where you are! Mom told me about her dream a few weeks ago that she finally saw you and you told her you were helping God by showing others how to cross over. It brought me some peace knowing you were okay and helping others. Keep up the amazing work and keep us strong through this difficult time. I love you baby girl and hope to see you in my dreams soon!<3

Things I miss...

Every day you cross my mind from the moment I wake up till I close my eyes at night.There are always memories of things we used to do together or what I would do for you. I miss you ever second of every day! You have no idea how much my heart aches for you Mandy. I miss my little sister! My heart has been crushed into a thousand little pieces, I feel so lost and empty with you gone. There isn't one thing I wouldn't do or give to have you back or even just have one last moment with you, I wish I could just hug you one last time!

• I miss the sound of your voice! I try finding videos of you talking just so I can hear you. It kills me because I feel like i'm going to forget what you sound like!
• I actually miss fighting over clothes and mom yelling at us to just share and stop complaining.
• I miss your amazing sense of style. I always admired the way you dressed and wished I was able to pull off half the stuff you wore.
• I miss the way you stomped around the house, you would sound like you were a 300 pound guy. I swear I can still hear your loud footsteps sometimes.
• I miss my shopping buddy! Buying things now just doesn't seem right anymore. There has been times I went to shop thinking it would make me feel happier like it used to and I ended up putting everything back that I had in my cart and left and just cried.
• I miss going places with you, we went everywhere together from shopping, getting food, taking you places,picking up your friends everywhere! Its hard driving in my car now, I always look over to the passenger seat and picture you sitting there singing and being the DJ and having all our talks. I still have those mini pics on my visors in my car we took years ago at that chinese photo booth place its like having a piece of you with me when I drive.
• I miss getting that 3:00 text saying "hi" (meaning can you come get me from school?) I picked you up every day and would take your friends home as well. Ive still take your friends home from school if they text me and ask for a ride. 
• I miss helping you curl/straighten your hair and do your makeup
• I miss how we used to try and race and beat each other to the big bathroom so we could shower first. 
• I miss doing the butt bible with you and going on our walks on the trial or down foothill. Whenever we would go on walks we would talk and laugh so hard. I used to try and get you to walk far with me and the times we would walk far you would end up calling mom to come pick us up so we didn't have to walk back or we would go to McDonalds and get an ice cream. haha
• I miss cuddling with you on the couch or in our rooms while watching tv. 
• I miss when we would wrestle and mom would yell at us and tell us to stop and we would just respond and be like this is how we show we love each other! Mom used to get so mad when we used to bite each other or leave hickeys on each others arms haha.
• I miss how you were pretty much the only person I would be my complete self with and act dorky and not care. 
• I miss your funny voices and crazy faces. You used to always make faces when we were at a restaurant or driving around to random people or do it to our boyfriends when they weren't looking and stop once they would pay attention acting like you weren't doing anything.
• I miss making you lunches for school. You always asked me to make you sandwiches for school or when you were just hungry at home, you always said you like mine the best(:
• I miss giving you your daily hugs even when you didn't want them I wouldn't let you escape.
• I miss the way we would say I love you to each other. We had our secret way of saying it. We would tell each other " your ugly" & "your uglier" meaning I love you ,and I love you more!<3

I JUST MISS YOU, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!!<3 I love you!! :D