Car ride heartaches

"Call me maybe?" Was playing on the radio while I was driving earlier. That song makes me happy because that was your song to me, you would sing and dance in the car to cheer me up and make me smile! I can't stand being in my car anymore. There are to many memories we had together in there. Everytime I get in my car I look over at the passenger seat where you always sat and I break down in tears. We went everywhere together! I don't even like the thought of going shopping anymore because that's what you and I did together. You were my personal stylist, you would always help me find clothes. Sometimes if you gave me something to try on and I didn't love it that much I would still buy it because I knew you secretly wanted it. You always had the best style and could make anything look amazing on you! To be honest I always wished I was more like you. You had amazing style and confidence that you could pull anything off,  there would be stuff I would want but didnt know if I could pull it off so I wouldnt get it. I'm going to miss my shopping partner! I'm especially going to miss getting that text everyday at 3pm saying "hey" that would be your way of asking me if I could come pick you up from school lol. I picked you and your friends up everyday from school just so you didn't have to walk home in the heat. As much as I needed more work I never truly wanted to work around the time you got out of school because I felt that was my job to get you everyday and I would feel horrible if I couldn't get you if I was busy! Whenever I'm in my car memories just flash by. You were my dj we would talk, laugh, listen to our favorite songs we knew we weren't allowed to play at home when mom and dad were home because they would be inappropriate and dirty lol. Our song was "Gangsters and Strippers" we got all your friends to like that song because we would always play it in my car whenever I would take you and your friends anywhere. Mom and dad decided to listen to that song because they saw everyone writing about how that song makes them think of you and well they weren't to happy with that song cause its so dirty haha but I don't care that was our song! You dont understand how much I miss you. I was looking at pictures of you this morning, and I hate the fact that I have to look at pictures of you to see your beautiful face now! You were so photogenic and in love with the camera I'm happy you were because now we have tons of pictures of you to look at! The past few days haven't been to easy for me I've been feeling pretty sad inside. Seems like all I've been trying to do lately is keep a smile on my face even if I know deep down inside it isn't real and inside I'm falling apart! I've been learning how to fake it so everyone can try to stop worrying about me! The more everyone acts like I'm going to do something stupid or hurt myself makes me start to believe inside I might actually do something dumb!! I hate having people worry about me so much, but I would probably worry about me to, seeing what I saw isn't easy to handle. I took your friends Brandon and Ashton out the other day and on the way home I started having crazy anxiety I kept getting flashbacks of when I found you, I just kept seeing your face and had to hold back the tears I didn't want them to see me cry. I'm doing the best I can to be strong I have my good and bad moments... I don't even feel right seeing friends or smiling laughing, I feel so guilty about it like I should just be home sad and as much I would like to do that all day long I know i need to try and at least take babyteps and learn it's okay to be happy! You will always be in my heart and thoughts no matter what. I'll love you forever and always manda panda!♡♡♡

Replay...

Replay...


Every day since July 11, 2012 my mind has been in replay mode. I wonder to myself and drive myself crazy inside thinking if there was anything possible I could have done to change the outcome of that day and stopped my 16 year old sister from taking her life. I replay every moment of that day starting from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning. Every Wednesday it is street sweeping day, so as my mom is heading out the door she wakes me up and tells me to put my car in the drive way. I get up move my car lay down for about another 30 minutes ,and then decide to wash my car. So I get up wash my car and listen to some music, for some reason having a clean car tends to brighten my day. Afterwards I  head to my parents room to shower. I see my litter sister Mandy on my parents bed laying in her towel texting. I go lay with her hug her and then all 3 of our dogs come into the room and jump on the bed. We lay there playing with my dog Coco, I asked her "would you want to go swim at aunties house later that day?", and she says "maybe, I'll let you know later", then she asked "can you take me to 7Eleven later and get a free slurpee?", and I say "yeah i will". Then I head to the bathroom and get into the shower. Mandy calls out to me, "are you in the shower already the door is still open?", I respond "yeah I like the door open", and those are the last words my little sister had said to me. I shower, get out and my friend Candace texts me asking if I would like to go grab a quick lunch with her on her lunch break. I say yes, she lets me know she'll be over in like 35 minutes or so, so i quickly get ready put on some make-up, throw on a dress and as I have a few minutes left to spare I take a few pics of myself (that is one detail I haven't told anyone yet because for some reason I've been killing myself inside thinking instead of taking some pics I should have gone and talked to my sister). So my friend Candace text me and let me know she was out front, and as normal I always go and let my sister know I am about to leave, tell her where I'm going and when I'll be home. As I walk into her room to let her know I'm leaving I find my little sister...she had taken her life by hanging herself from her chandelier. All within an instant in my mind I'm not believing what is before my eyes, my mind is telling me that this isn't real and she is playing a mean joke on me. Then right away I grab her skinny body with one arm and pull her up, while with the other hand I try and unfasten the scarf she used as a noose around her neck, I pull it off lay her on the ground run outside yell for me friend to come in, run back into her room, try checking to see if she is breathing while my friend calls the cops. She hands me the phone I tell the operator my little sister hung herself in her room and I don't think she is breathing. The cops, ambulance, and fire trucks all arrive at my house within a minute, I take them to her and they start on her right away doing everything they possibly can. I was standing on my porch calling my mom who is at work, had to call her about three times until she answered and when finally when she picked up I'm crying and told her to get home right away I need her that Mandy just took her life. She works in Pasadena so it took her about 20 mins to get home. While I'm waiting for her to get home the cops are asking me tons of questions. I hear one of the cops tell another we need a bag, my stomach sank and I asked them "aren't you going to take her to the hospital? ", they look at me and say " I'm sorry but there is nothing me we can do, she's gone." I cant believe the words that I am hearing, my body goes numb and I'm crying thankfully a few mins later my mom arrives with a bunch of her co-workers that apparently she was in a meeting with when I had called her. I ran to her and tell her that Mandy is gone she cries out NO! We held each other tightly while tears were flowing down then she goes and talks to the cops. Finally now that she is there I feel that its okay if i really break down and let go now, finally I am not alone and don't have to take care of it all myself. Moments later my aunt Kellie and cousin Katie pull up and I go to them and tell them the news and then my older sister Breanna and her boyfriend Ben pull up and I go and tell them. Holding my other sister tightly telling her our baby sister is gone hurt like crazy! Slowly more and more people start arriving from family members my moms co-workers, church friends, my little sisters friends, and through all of this we are still waiting for our dad to get home from where and he works in West LA about 45 mins away. Our driveway starts being filled with people then finally people go into the back yard where there is shade and seating trying to escape the hot humid day the cops wouldn't let anyone in the house since my sisters death was considered a suicide. I had found my sister at 1:50 pm, and around 4:45 or so before they were about to take her away they let my parents, my sister and I and also my aunt and cousin come in to say our goodbyes. We cried, said a family prayer, kissed her head and said goodbye. It literally broke me in pieces seeing them take her away in a body bag around 5ish. Throughout the rest of the day tons of people were in and out of our home with tears, I'm sorry for your loss, but most of all the hugs and support that gave our family comfort with the knowing we have so many people that love us and will be there to help us through this tragic time. How can a day that started off so good where I was happy had plans to go to lunch, possibly go swim at my aunts and take my sister to get free Slurpee's take a total 360 and change my world and life forever? I hate that I had only spoken to her for about only 5 mins that day. I should of asked how she was or maybe even just held her or  gone into her room after my shower. It kills me inside that I had walked passed her room like 3 times while getting ready, her door was half way open her light on but it didn't cross my mind to go in her room. I hate the fact of not knowing if she decided to take her life when I got into the shower or even just a bit before I had gone into her room to say goodbye. What I hate the most is I never got to tell her I love her one last time! I think to myself was there anything I could of done to stop that outcome? But this was nothing that had ever crossed my mind, my sister was the happiest girl I've ever known always smiling and laughing being dorky. I know in my heart this isn't what she intended. She didn't want this outcome. In a quick moment of despair and sadness because she thought her and her boyfriend were breaking up she made the decision to take her life. She had so much to live for ,and had so many people that love her and still do love and miss her deeply. Even though I ask myself all the "what if''s ?", I know that this was her choice at the moment and I need to respect that. it breaks my heart knowing I have to go on with my life without her by my side. She was my mini me, my best friend, we did everything together. Even though I feel lost and alone now, I know inside I'm not. There are so many people that love me and will be there to help me through out all of this. I will forever love and miss you Amanda Kellie Andrews! You're forever in my mind and heart, I hope you knew how much I love you. You were the glue that held our family together so please watch over our family and keep us strong! 


R.I.P. Manda Panda, I LOVE YOU<3

Breathe

Breathe lyrics
Songwriters: Caillat, Colbie; Swift, Taylor Alison;

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry